8.12.19

Hey pumpkin head –

Back to the grind. Feeling very weird today. The weekend flew by and I feel really restless. I always need a creative endeavor to keep my attention and these days I don’t have one. I guess you could say these letters are something I put my mind to. And thinking about figuring out the life puzzle. But I have a never-ending need to be working on a project. I rarely finish them but I’m always working on my next idea. I hope you get my creative fire and your mom’s ability to see things through. I actually get really upset when I think about all the things I haven’t finished, but my creativity just isn’t drawn to them anymore. I like the rush of new.

Writing songs, working on the artwork for the band, writing my blog – all stuff I burn out on. Although writing songs is a never-ending quest. I keep working and working to perfect them. For the last year or two I’ve been drawn to writing country songs almost exclusively. They’ve helped me distill my thoughts and focus on singular topics. When I was writing for The Swill Merchants I would try to cram too much into one song. Now I pick a topic and build around it. One day I hope you love music as much as me and we can write together. This is kinda stupid, but the Jonas brothers used to do that with their parents during drives back and forth from NJ to the city. That seems like such a cool thing. I never had a co-creation with either of my parents. They always supported me and played games with me and stuff, but we never developed something start to finish together. Aside from the kitchen floor and part of the deck in the backyard.

As I write these letters, I like to think about all the ways I want to pass things on from how I was raised and all the things I want to try with you. You’ll learn that I’m hyper-competitive and I want to instill a level of that in you, but not so much that you’re annoying to play video games with. I’m scared that I’ll push you too much and be a bit too militaristic. I guess since I’m aware of it I can chill out a bit, but still, it’s my nature to do things a certain way. I really enjoy rigor and process. I like structure. I think they’re healthy, but I also think that they set you up for a boring life – so I want to work with mom to find a balance for you. So much is going to change in the next 4 months. I’m going to see a whole new side to your mom and she’s going to see a whole new side to me. I just hope my side isn’t overbearing and overly cautious. I have that fear of things from grandpa. It’s always rooted in a good place, but I think it can be a detractor. Learning from your mistakes is a good thing. I want to say yes more than I say no. Remind me of that.

They say you can either be a parent or a friend to your kid but not both. I don’t like that construct. I want to be the person you can learn from, but I also want to be the person who shares in your excitement and happiness and successes. It’s insane to me but I already feel like you’re my whole world. You and mom are everything to me. I know for a billion percent that when you’re crying at 3am I’m going to want to kick your butt because mom is guaranteed to sleep right through. But it’s gonna be awesome.

I wonder how tall you’ll be. I’m 6’4” and mom’s 5’10” so I’d be shocked if you’re short, but if you are that’s cool too (please don’t be short). Okay, I’ve got some work to do.

Love you big time,

Dad