9.6.19
Hello tiny Tuney –
I call mom Tuney. You might know that already. It’s short for Petunia. One day when you have kids, they’re gonna call her Grandma Tuney. So now you’re tiny Tuney.
Last night in the shower, I was thinking about the father-daughter dance at your wedding if you end up being a girl and I was wondering what song we would dance to. I’m already feeling pride in your accomplishments. It’s strange. It makes me so happy and fills up my chest but then I get a little scared because we have no idea what life has in store for us. I’m a bit melancholy today. Focused on my work but underneath it all feeling the pressures of life. Not to put too much pressure on you but devoting my life to you and mom is everything to me. That’s not to say I don’t tend to myself. I’m an egotist after all and I make time for my own endeavors. But I never feel more fulfilled than when loving someone else and making them happy. It’s unbelievable that I get to give more of myself. I’m honestly happiest when mom is happy. My own happiness seems fleeting and cheap but when your mom lights up because of something I said or did, it makes me hit another level. I can only imagine what that feeling will be like when I’m making you laugh or when you’re opening up presents on Christmas morning. I think I’ve mentioned this in previous letters, but memories are incredibly important to me. I feed off old memories and project new ones to keep myself going. I wonder if you’ll have the same sensation. I think I get it from my parents, but I don’t think they ever allow themselves to go this deep and unlock what really makes them tick. I’ve always felt like there was a level they never let me access because they only wanted me to see the ideal version of them. I want you to know me fully. I’m a sensitive person who loves good feedback. I thrive on good vibes.
Mom had her bi-weekly facetime with Aunt Lisa and Grandma yesterday. They were talking about a bunch of different stuff and after she hung up mom told me that she felt a bit more comfortable about the idea of moving to Georgia. I’ve been putting off talking to my mom about the baby shower, but I really need to just shoot her straight and let her know where I stand. I think that’s become another weight I unconsciously carry around with me. Cue the “there’s layers to this shit!” ad lib.
I mentioned yesterday that I’m trying to work in different approaches to my fitness routine. Last night I went behind the apartment and did some sprinting exercises. Really kicked my ass. I was drenched so I took a walk around the neighborhood and went by Wagner college. I’ve become incredibly focused with my food and exercise habits, which is fun. I think every 5 years I bust my ass to get in shape and then I let myself go. Not a great model, so I’d encourage you to stay fit year-round.
In pop culture news John Mayer just dropped a new song called Carry Me Away, Post Malone’s new album just came out and I finally got around to listening to Lana Del Ray’s new album. LDR’s first song is a fucking ether of her ex-boyfriend. Just a total verbal dismantling. It’s called Norman Fucking Rockwell; you should check it out. Pretty beautiful in a sad way, my favorite type of art. The piano is great, and her voice is so smooth and light. Very reminiscent of Fiona Apple. Speaking of which, you should listen to Criminal and Pure Imagination by Fiona. If you like those, check out Extraordinary Machine by her – good album. I haven’t made any headway on The Lonely Meatball in case you were wondering. Between work, exercising and thinking about life I’m finding it hard to tap into my creative side lately. BTW I’m listening to this LDR album as I write and this song Venice Bitch is feeling real good.
Yesterday I snapped a pic on the ferry. The sky was looking real pretty, and I love a good ferry shot.
Tomorrow mom and I are headed to Evan and Katie’s for a block party. I’m looking forward to seeing my friends and their kids. It’ll be one of the last times I see them all before we have you, I’m sure. I just hope the weather holds up. Would also be cool if Evan’s parents are there, I haven’t seen them in a while and they’re always fun to talk to.
Alright I don’t think there’s anything else worth sharing today.
Say it every day but love you big time,
Dad
